Chateau d'If

That title is supposed to be tongue in cheek, anyway. If you speak French you might get it. If not, well...

If I could live the kind of life I wanted--exactly how I wanted, right now--God knows it'd be a far sight different. Literally. I'd be in such a different place.

I'd be at home, reading, writing, enjoying coffee and time with my husband. Home would probably be another country. Work? Work wouldn't be "oh shit I need a job." Work would be something I'm doing because I want to. Something like teaching, translating, interpreting...the jobs I really liked doing.

I'd be able to enjoy my music, my books, my rest, my pets, have time to go to the gym, and do errands, and clean, and all that other stuff. There'd be a lot less pressure, but still expectations and meeting them as such. I'd get a pay check, and the family would be taken care of, but it wouldn't be a goddamn rat race.

I don't fucking fit in the 9-5 schematic. I really don't. I've been fucking trying and the last few days, I really feel how much I don't belong. I won't go into details, but I will say today it came to a head. I won't point fingers or play the blame game, but I will say that I don't feel like I belong. it's not that I don't want to. It's not that I don't want to earn my keep, pay my bills, and support myself and my husband. I do. I just...this conventional bullshit isn't cutting it.

I'm careful not to let myself fall too far into this. You know who did let themselves go too far? My dad. And he's an asshole. The last fucking thing I want is to be like him. I almost landed myself there once, and lesson fucking learned. People are still assholes over that shit. But anyway, before i digress too much, I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I don't think I am going to (necessarily) but I still feel like I have to make a conscious effort to NOT end up like that. And I am REALLY fucking trying. REALLY REALLY REALLY fucking trying. But I can't help that me...this...just isn't working.

It's like a bad relationship. Neither person involved is bad in and of themselves, but together, it's a fucking toxic situation. That's how I'm feeling. My partner (work) is just fine, in and of themselves. I'm fine on my own. But we got forced to sticking together, and then there's friction. We just don't match. But, without my partner, I  don't have many options. So, you stay in a shitty relationship to ensure your own survival. I fucking hate it. I don't stay in shitty relationships. Ever. Period. With anyone. Ever.

Sure, there are better fish in the sea, but the fuck do I do to find them? I'm still feeling empty handed. It isn't that I don't believe in myself...It's well...maybe a part of me doesn't believe in myself (yeah I know, fucking right?)...but maybe part of me is afraid of trading a rotten canoe for a rubber dingy. The rotten canoe is at least a canoe. A rubber dingy? I'll take my chances with the canoe.

I hate not knowing what to do. I hate, hate, hate, HATE it. If i at least know what to do/what I'm doing, then it's manageable, you know? I just...

Some days I still want to drive my car into a tree. Or down a bottle of my anti depressants. Or invest in a package of razor blades (DO NOT get into a BS spiel about how that's bad. I fucking know it is but it takes a lot of fucking guts for me to say this so just listen for 2 seconds before you say a fucking thing). I feel that hopeless, and useless, and worthless, and just...like it's not fucking worth it. What seems small and insignificant to you? Fucking take that on with a mood disorder (Dysthymia to give it a name). I feel like a goddamn failure, and like it's hopeless. I'm so fucking sick of feeling this way too. What's a minor setback for you, for me may as well be the end of the world and makes me feel like my worth as a human is negated.

And you know what pisses me off? I KNOW a lot of how I feel comes from "those who mind" who ultimately "don't matter." But, I still feel fucking shitty, and what the fuck do I do about it?

I've struggled most of my life to feel like I mean something, like I matter, like I'm worth while. I've never in my life felt like I meant shit all to anyone...and the one person who did care, well she's 6 feet under. I've never been once good enough, or merely adequate enough, for one person. And when I can't even keep it together for a shitty job, how the hell else is anything else supposed to matter? What the fuck can I give to anyone else? What the fuck do I do for the world around me?

Well, what started off as a rant about how I feel like I don't fit in has quickly spiraled out of control. I guess it all fits together though. I just want--for one time in my life--to feel like I amount to something. Like everything I do, everything I am, is more than just a pile of worthless shit with too much makeup, and too loud of a voice. No one fucking cares, and I can't hold myself together well enough to deal with the menial.

But--and maybe that's how this all ties in--I feel like this shit I just...can't. It's not that I don't want or try to, it's not that I don't need to. It's, for some fucking reason(s), that I can't. I can't manipulate myself enough to give a fuck. Or even if I give a fuck just...I can't get it right. And it drives me goddamn crazy because for now, I need to. I need to get it right enough to be able to get by. In a sense, I'm ok with that. I mean, hey, if it keeps me afloat, then it's fine. It's a stepping stone from point a to point b.

I feel like i was born for something...else. Bigger? Better? (Longer and Uncut) I don't know. But where I am at sure as hell isn't where i want to be. But I'm also feeling a little lost right now. I wish I could be one of those people who just floats through life...not caring, not thinking, not worried about where I fall in the scheme of the fucked up phenomenon called life. Or the even more fucked up one called humanity. Most days I wish I could go to sleep, and never wake up because I am just tired of the fight, and the nitpicking, and the struggle for beans. Never wake up, and make the world a better place, because now, someone as worthless as me isn't here to fuck anything else up.