Sometimes I wish I could look God, square in the face, and ask him:
"God...just what the fuck are you thinking?"
Yes, I would drop an f-bomb, in discourse with the Higher Power That Is. Why? Because whatever he's doing, he's REALLY making a mess of things.
But, maybe he's not thinking. That'd make things make a hell of a lot more sense.
Lemme have my Dean Winchester moment: So help me if you say God works in mysterious ways...
This isn't God working. And don't refute it with Satan over running blah blah blah...I used to believe that tripe, but the older I get, the less credibility it has. The way things go, it makes no fucking sense, and it REALLY isn't fucking fair.
Let me back up a bit, and at least shed some light on what is setting this off. Earlier this summer, a good friend of mine's mother passed away. It was sudden, to keep it concise. I was sad when I heard, but I didn't know how hard this would hit me, until I was at the funeral home, and saw her laying in the casket. I lost it. And I cried, and cried, and cried during the whole service. It was hard for a lot of reasons: This was someone I had known about 15 - 16 years, she treated me well, and she was there for me when my mother died. I had a lot of good memories of her and my friend, and some of the goofy, crazy, off the wall things she did. She was an unapologetic 60's child who lived every moment as loudly, brightly, and crazy as she could. And, on the personal end, this was the first friend I've helped through losing their mother. I always knew, in the back of my mind, this day would come, and it would suck. But like all times like this, you never know how bad they're gonna suck, til you're there.
The beginning of September, I found out an old high school friend passed away. THAT was a messed up situation. Out of respect, I won't name names, but I will say this is someone I always had good memories of. She and her boyfriend (later fiance) were always nice to me, and we always laughed and smiled, even ended up going to the same college. She was always super nice, and always smiling. That's what I remember.
So Facebook posts. She's talking about medical issues. Saying thanks for the prayers and the encouragement, here's to hope. Then her wedding gets pushed back. Ok understandable. The next post is from her sister, saying she's passed on. I didn't believe it when I read it.
She was supposed to be getting married, and going on her honeymoon! Instead, her family was burdened with having to bury her, and lay her to rest, instead of seeing her and fiance (very good guy) off on their life together. They buried her in her wedding dress
I got angry. I got REALLY fucking angry. I cried, and I threw a few temper tantrums. This REALLY is not fucking fair. And I admit, that anger is what is driving this.
Then, last Saturday, I get another call from a friend of mine I worked with at Sears. Her husband passed a week ago. He had been battling cancer. I only met him a few times, but she loved him dearly (this was her second marriage) and she fought hard for him. She took care of him, she did everything she could for him, he was her main priority, and that's how it should be.
This case, I knew he had only a short time left. I knew it months ago. So that call was less jarring in a way. When she called, I knew. She started off asking how my new job was, but that said, I knew why she really called.
This has been a rough year for me, in this regard. 3 funerals this year...I haven't had this kind of year in a while. Ever actually. And this is why I'm wondering just what the flying fuck is going on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah I know Death is part of Life. I get it. But ALL THREE of these deaths have been nothing short of tragic. All health issues. And no I am not turning this into a debate about our healthcare system either (and fuck off if you do). NONE of these people deserved what they got. At all. They were all good, kind, caring, loving, wonderful people. All of them.
And this brings me back to even thinking of my mom. Why in the hell is it all of the good ones are not just going, but go in horribly tragic ways? They don't fucking deserve it. It would make more sense to me at least, if it seemed things happened in a balance, but they don't. All this bad shit going on in the world, and the ones who suffer, are the ones who should be thriving (at least not going through the shit they are). The ones who are thriving, are fucking pricks, assholes, murderers, thieves, abusers, and the like. And fuck their couch. Seriously, I'm sick of how fucked up and twisted this world is. No good deed goes unpunished.
All we rationalize it with is "God." As if a three letter word and an Iron Age book make any fucking sense of it. We just chalk it up to that, and that seems to make it all ok. Screw. That. It's not a bloody fucking answer, it's just a platitude humans created to try and explain it all to themselves, so we can feel better about how shitty the world is. News flash: That. Doesn't. Fucking. Work. This world is still a fucked up mess, and we aren't doing much to fix it, either.
I'm sick of these platitudes. I want some real fucking answers. Something that makes some goddamn sense. Why did mom die, and dad got the chance to continue on and be an asshole? Why did an old friend of mine pass away, when she should've gotten married? Why did another friend, who treats me like one of her own, lose the husband she truly loved? Why did I have to watch one of my oldest friends go through what I went through, at still a very young age. FUCKING WHY?! I'm fucking sick of how it is, and I'm more pissed off I can't do anything about it. No, it's not up to me to save the world, but dammit I'd like to change something. I'd like to fucking understand it. I'd like to make it at least a little better.
Why the hell are those of us left to suffer and hurt? And why is there so little there to help us through? Life continues the fuck on, and sometimes you just want to stop, kick, scream, throw a fit, get angry, and crawl back into bed. This horrible, awful thing happened, and you have to keep marching on. Here, someone's husband died. Tough shit, keep calling about selling cars. Here, your friend's mom died, ok good, I can make the funeral, because I don't sell lawn mowers til later today! Here, all this bad shit is happening, you want to scream at the world, but no, put on a fucking smile and act like it's all fucking ok, even if it isn't. Sometimes, I want to stand in the middle of the road and cause a scene, and maybe I'd feel better. Does it solve anything? Maybe not, but maybe it will. Because maybe I can finally illustrate how I feel. Stopped traffic and made everyone else pissed. That's how i'm feeling, now do you fucking get it?
Like I said, this has been a rough few months for me. Three funerals since the end of June. Fucking three...I don't think there've been that many since my great uncle died in 2005. My grandma in 2007...and really only one or 2, more that I knew about, than going (save one, I just could not make which kinda bothers me honestly). It's been a rough year.
