Fast Car

Brandon and I have been talking about a lot of things lately (surprise? I think not haha), which has gotten me thinking about a lot of thing in turn. I won't go airing all of our dirty laundry on my blog, or anything like that, but I will speak a bit just on my feelings on life (when do I not do this?).

(Video: Fast Car by Tracy Chapman)

I've always liked this song. Even as a kid, all of 11 or 12, this song really got to me. I know it gets to a lot of people. But in some ways, it reached me, even as my mind was starting to grow and realize things about the world around me. I realized all I wanted was a chance...a dream...a life...to be "someone." I knew the small corner of the world I was born and raised into wasn't enough to contain me, even as a kid. I wanted something else; something more. I was a dreamer and an idealist by preschool. By middle school, I could unabashedly add hopeless romantic to that list.

But, as much as I am all of those things, it doesn't make for an easy journey to achieve those things. I guess I never thought it would be easy, but I never thought it would feel impossible either. Of everyone I knew, I was the one who would go somewhere, do something, be someone. Have all those weird stories, see the world, have that unusual perspective on things, and none too shy to share that perspective. I wear everything about myself on my sleeve, always have. I live openly and honestly, and I feel like everyone should. Even if you're not loud about it, no need to hide either. But before I digress...

One thing that has always terrified me is the thought that I might just fade away into the crowd, and get lost. I don't mean a willing blending in and assimilation. I mean a forced and unwanted submission. Instead of taking my chance to live my life the way I wanted, and by my own rules and design, I would be forced into smothering that part of myself and falling in line. The one thing I want more than anything is to be able to live my dreams, and to live a life I can be proud of. I want to look back in the end and say, "I did it right."

In some ways, I feel like maybe I have. No, not maybe. I HAVE done it. I worked hard for it, too. With a little help and encouragement along the way, I made it. And you'd better bet your ass I'm proud of that. But ever since then it's been a fight to hang on to the strands of who I am, to live my life the way I want, and still maintain what's needed. Some days I feel like i'm caught in the grind. Other days I feel like maybe this isn't so bad. Others, I feel like I might be on the up and up. But overall, I feel like I've just been wanting nothing other than to hop in a "fast car" with a bit of money to my name, and just GO. Not abandon everything and everyone, but rather make that push to living the life I want for myself.

I feel like too many people have done themselves the disservice of not living on their own terms, and making their own lives. I refuse to be another casualty to the world around me. I've worked too hard to be as much.

But to come back to that song...because I've always had the image of a couple (I guess technically it's pretty clear). 2 people shoving off into life together, taking that risk together, and hoping. But, maybe it doesn't always work the way they hoped. Living on hope, that one day, things will be what they dream. It's a long, arduous process.I have an almost desperate need to know, one day, we'll "be someone." I don't expect an instant gratification, but I am waiting for the moment where I can turn around, look at everyone and say, "I told you I could do it." I'm not there yet, but I hope I will be. But, it's hard for me to find the words that explain the burning feeling I have; to tell you that this is such an intrinsic part of who I am and what I want from life, I can't simply ignore it, or compromise it. It's what fuels me and pushes me to continue onward.When I've had nothing, I had that. And it's hard to convey how strong that feeling is, at least for me.

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away?
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

So remember we were driving, driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder

And I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

"I could not bring My passions from a common spring," -Edgar Allan Poe

Most days for me, at best, are even keel, with the rare good day. Today was the rare good day, for sure. (warning: Long post lol)

My ESL class was a lot of fun. They had some questions last class about holidays and seasons, and I decided to bring in The Nightmare Before Christmas​ for the class to watch, since it covers 2 holidays. We didn't finish it today, but it was neat listening to the ladies in my class discuss it (the convo was in Burmese, so I couldn't understand word for word, but listening to their inflection and whatnot, you can tell a lot), and repeat words they thought were important, to try and memorize them.

After was the first Language Service Network meeting, and I have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised to be there. It was a Who's Who of local services, non profits, and school systems...then me. No, I'm not downing myself, but I will say I almost felt like I was out of my league being there. But, it was a great meeting, and gave me a chance to talk to people, pick some brains (so to speak) and get involved. It was exciting, humbling, and interesting, all in the same go.

Between this, going back to subbing, and getting ready to pick up working with another organization helping teach literacy to adults, I have to say, I've been happier the last few weeks than I was for the last six months. Funny how something that seems bad in the moment, ends up being the boot in the ass you need to move on to something better, and something you really want. I've learned you don't always have to shoe horn yourself in to what people tell you to be. Doesn't make it bad, but rather than following "The Plan" (a phrase I got from a dear friend's mother​), follow YOUR Plan. We all work differently, and that's ok. The last few months have taught me a lot, and the last several weeks have put it into perspective.

I still struggle, daily, with finding self worth, and at the very least not letting depression get the best of me. It's hard. Most days I feel like I don't offer or provide enough. But, days like today feel like a pay off, and that maybe it's all worth it. I may not have a ton of money, or anything fancy to show for it, but I'm seeing more and more I don't need those things, either. Unfortunately, you need a little something to pay the bills, and support yourself, but beyond that, I guess I don't care. Other than maybe getting to travel once in a while.

I just want to be happy, feel like I'm leading a fulfilling life, and that I'm doing something positive for the world around me. I'm not motivated by a lot of the same things others are. More this and more that won't motivate me. But tell me I can have the kind of life I want, and tell me I can have a direct impact and help out, and you have my attention. I don't care if I make a ton of money. I care if I make a difference.

Square Peg in a Round Hole

The last few months were definitely a learning experience. Doing my infamous job hopping again, admittedly just trying to find the next best opportunity, I felt like maybe I was moving up just a smidgen. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I dunno, in retrospect but hey, live and learn right?

Without badmouthing or bemoaning anything, I had some time to think about things. As you're up and coming out of your early 20's, finishing college, and moving on in life, we're all told the next step is a full time 9-5 with benefits. Then you know you've made it. And you know, most of us, that's a very good next step. I was looking forward to it. I wanted some stability. I wanted insurance (without going into controversies about ACA and all that, hey, insurance is good). I wanted a 401(k) that actually matched. It all sounded like the good and right adult thing to want. It was the transition between a college kid at minimum wage, and adulthood.

I found out I kinda hated it. Not the job itself (ok the job itself, I was starting to get sick of but I'm not going there) necessarily, but the pattern. It wasn't working for me. I missed substitute teaching. I loved those kids, and I loved being able to use it as a chance to live and learn a bit more about where I want to go next in life (bit there in a sec). I also liked the flexibility of part time work. And now, with the ACA and all the resources out there in general, we're paying for benefits on our own. And I frankly prefer that, because now I won't feel like I'm tied to some job I dislike, because of the benefits. Even a 401(k) you can transfer or withdraw.

I feel a lot more free now, on the work front. We're taking care of ourselves, I start a new job Tuesday, I've already gotten back to teaching, and I have time and energy to volunteer. I get to do what I enjoy and frankly, between 2 jobs, I'm not worried about income. I still feel like I have more flexibility with 2 part time jobs than one full time. Time off? Sure! Set my own hours (more or less)? Sounds good! Work shorter shifts? Sounds good to me! And one of the jobs is commissioned base, like what I did at Sears. So, that said, even at part time, it pays better than most retail jobs. Oh and I'm part of management. That makes me happy.

I guess the whole lesson in this is, you have to find what works for YOU. Not do what everyone says you should do. You'd think I'd had that figured out already but, sometimes you gotta live and learn. Social standards, and making a pay check can be 2 very far removed things, and who doesn't want to live comfortably (not necessarily wealthy just comfortable). Living comfortably is more than just a paycheck, though it helps. It's about living life the way you want to. I was feeling like I could have no life outside of work, even if the money was (slightly) better. I want time to do the things I enjoy and live how I want to. I can plan summer trips to Kentucky and Tennessee, I can plan Ikasucon. I can fudge my teaching schedule to my work schedule so they don't conflict. And, I can even look at going back to school and not having to draw it out like I did before. THAT really makes me happy. For only needing a few classes, I didn't want to take forever to do it. Now, I may not have to.

So here's to the next step. May not be my beat all end all, but it's something. I really hope this works out.

Wow um...been a while folks!

I used to be so awesome at keeping up with blogging. I REALLY was. Almost daily. Now, every few months, seems I pop back in and say hey.

The odd thing is for me, when I'm writing, anything, I have to be extremely isolated and comfortable. Ever since coming home from Strasbourg, it's been hard to find that right setting. I know some people think that picky and particular, and maybe it is, but if there is one time I NEED my element it's when I'm working.

So anyway, I guess a bit of a rundown is in order.

November was...an interesting month, as it always is. This past November marked 5 years since Dad booted me out of the house, and I entered the last year of my 20's.

Odd to think of everything that has happened in the 5 years since, both good and bad: The struggling to survive, living in France, getting married, finishing school, struggling against major blows to my self esteem and goals, depression diagnosis, adopting a boatload of animals (ok, maybe not a BOATLOAD but several), *finally* driving on my own, and 2 wonderful nephews coming into my life. I am almost amused at how I got treated, and how things panned out. Dad never trusted me on my own. He never trusted that I could take care of myself. He never trusted that I knew what I was doing. Sure, I've had hiccups along the way, but who doesn't? It's called life, and we all take a few hard knocks. That's just part of the deal. Dad never thought I could make it on my own. I needed him to do everything for me (Honestly, I think he wanted to keep me dependent, so that way he felt "needed" and "wanted." Something sick about the male ego I suppose). So he went fucking crazy, trying to control everything, and now, in retrospect, that's what destroyed any relationship we had. It was the lack of being allowed to grow, and become my own person. Dad didn't allow me to have the same freedoms he so adamantly demanded that he was allowed to have out of his own life.

Frankly, I can't go back, nor do I want to. I mean, I really don't. I wouldn't call it hatred. If anything, it's apathy. And people look at me like I'm fucking insane when I say that. How can anyone NOT care about their parents? Well, when your parents don't give fuck one about you, it's pretty fucking easy. Oh and side note: shut up with the 10 commandments. I don't believe in that, so it really holds no weight with me. I mean if you do, cool, but it doesn't mean a thing to me.

Anyway, besides that, my birthday was nice. I went up to Ypsilanti and Ann Arbor to visit Beth, as my birthday present to myself. It was fun. Ann Arbor is really nice, and it was fun getting out of Fort Wayne for a while. And, I needed to get the hell out of here, BADLY. We all know just how much I love Fort Wayne. Haha! Also got to see one of the friends I made during my short stint in Americorps, Erin. It was so great seeing her too. I'd like to think we had a great time talking about all sorts of different things, and discussing social issues. I honestly can't wait for an excuse to go back and see people, and have fun.

Then ensues the holidays...which I hate, but it was better this year as, NO RETAIL. I didn't even have to work Black Friday. I stayed in my pajamas and played Xbox. And it was AWESOME.

December and January: Aside from my near constant Oscar The Grouch complaining levels on the subject of Christmas, it was nice. All the girls (me, my mother in law, and all 3 sister in laws) went to see the Nutcracker. Brandon's mom was nice and got everyone cookies and coffee before the show, and the show itself was enjoyable. My nephews found these foam swords they had, and Ben and I started playing with it. Which meant then Zach had to. Which meant then Aunt Eri had to buy said swords for the boys. Which meant THEN Zach thought it was a good idea to poke everyone in the butt with said swords. The saga of the swords ends with Aunt Eri then finding shields for $1 at Target with goofy looking wolf faces on them that Uncle Brandon joked were for House Stark. Because we're cool like that.

Christmas was nice. As much as I hate the holidays, it is always nice seeing my family. Even if I can't see all of them, I see who I can. New Year's Eve was fun too, since I got off early, and didn't work again for 2 and a half days. It's been more or less back to the grind though. Some days good, some days bad. Some days are just days.

My volunteer work at the YWCA has been going well. I teach every Thursday morning, which is fun. It has its challenges. My class is all Burmese, at all different levels. It makes things difficult, but they're a good group of people overall. They're REALLY trying, and it seems like what I have to tell them is sticking. That makes me happy!

Well I had probably better cut this off for now. Here's to hope that I keep up more regularly. A bientot, mes amis.