I've always liked this song. Even as a kid, all of 11 or 12, this song really got to me. I know it gets to a lot of people. But in some ways, it reached me, even as my mind was starting to grow and realize things about the world around me. I realized all I wanted was a chance...a dream...a life...to be "someone." I knew the small corner of the world I was born and raised into wasn't enough to contain me, even as a kid. I wanted something else; something more. I was a dreamer and an idealist by preschool. By middle school, I could unabashedly add hopeless romantic to that list.
But, as much as I am all of those things, it doesn't make for an easy journey to achieve those things. I guess I never thought it would be easy, but I never thought it would feel impossible either. Of everyone I knew, I was the one who would go somewhere, do something, be someone. Have all those weird stories, see the world, have that unusual perspective on things, and none too shy to share that perspective. I wear everything about myself on my sleeve, always have. I live openly and honestly, and I feel like everyone should. Even if you're not loud about it, no need to hide either. But before I digress...
One thing that has always terrified me is the thought that I might just fade away into the crowd, and get lost. I don't mean a willing blending in and assimilation. I mean a forced and unwanted submission. Instead of taking my chance to live my life the way I wanted, and by my own rules and design, I would be forced into smothering that part of myself and falling in line. The one thing I want more than anything is to be able to live my dreams, and to live a life I can be proud of. I want to look back in the end and say, "I did it right."
In some ways, I feel like maybe I have. No, not maybe. I HAVE done it. I worked hard for it, too. With a little help and encouragement along the way, I made it. And you'd better bet your ass I'm proud of that. But ever since then it's been a fight to hang on to the strands of who I am, to live my life the way I want, and still maintain what's needed. Some days I feel like i'm caught in the grind. Other days I feel like maybe this isn't so bad. Others, I feel like I might be on the up and up. But overall, I feel like I've just been wanting nothing other than to hop in a "fast car" with a bit of money to my name, and just GO. Not abandon everything and everyone, but rather make that push to living the life I want for myself.
I feel like too many people have done themselves the disservice of not living on their own terms, and making their own lives. I refuse to be another casualty to the world around me. I've worked too hard to be as much.
But to come back to that song...because I've always had the image of a couple (I guess technically it's pretty clear). 2 people shoving off into life together, taking that risk together, and hoping. But, maybe it doesn't always work the way they hoped. Living on hope, that one day, things will be what they dream. It's a long, arduous process.I have an almost desperate need to know, one day, we'll "be someone." I don't expect an instant gratification, but I am waiting for the moment where I can turn around, look at everyone and say, "I told you I could do it." I'm not there yet, but I hope I will be. But, it's hard for me to find the words that explain the burning feeling I have; to tell you that this is such an intrinsic part of who I am and what I want from life, I can't simply ignore it, or compromise it. It's what fuels me and pushes me to continue onward.When I've had nothing, I had that. And it's hard to convey how strong that feeling is, at least for me.
You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away?
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way
So remember we were driving, driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone
