Most days for me, at best, are even keel, with the rare good day. Today was the rare good day, for sure. (warning: Long post lol)
My ESL class was a lot of fun. They had some questions last class about holidays and seasons, and I decided to bring in The Nightmare Before Christmas for the class to watch, since it covers 2 holidays. We didn't finish it today, but it was neat listening to the ladies in my class discuss it (the convo was in Burmese, so I couldn't understand word for word, but listening to their inflection and whatnot, you can tell a lot), and repeat words they thought were important, to try and memorize them.
After was the first Language Service Network meeting, and I have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised to be there. It was a Who's Who of local services, non profits, and school systems...then me. No, I'm not downing myself, but I will say I almost felt like I was out of my league being there. But, it was a great meeting, and gave me a chance to talk to people, pick some brains (so to speak) and get involved. It was exciting, humbling, and interesting, all in the same go.
Between this, going back to subbing, and getting ready to pick up working with another organization helping teach literacy to adults, I have to say, I've been happier the last few weeks than I was for the last six months. Funny how something that seems bad in the moment, ends up being the boot in the ass you need to move on to something better, and something you really want. I've learned you don't always have to shoe horn yourself in to what people tell you to be. Doesn't make it bad, but rather than following "The Plan" (a phrase I got from a dear friend's mother), follow YOUR Plan. We all work differently, and that's ok. The last few months have taught me a lot, and the last several weeks have put it into perspective.
I still struggle, daily, with finding self worth, and at the very least not letting depression get the best of me. It's hard. Most days I feel like I don't offer or provide enough. But, days like today feel like a pay off, and that maybe it's all worth it. I may not have a ton of money, or anything fancy to show for it, but I'm seeing more and more I don't need those things, either. Unfortunately, you need a little something to pay the bills, and support yourself, but beyond that, I guess I don't care. Other than maybe getting to travel once in a while.
I just want to be happy, feel like I'm leading a fulfilling life, and that I'm doing something positive for the world around me. I'm not motivated by a lot of the same things others are. More this and more that won't motivate me. But tell me I can have the kind of life I want, and tell me I can have a direct impact and help out, and you have my attention. I don't care if I make a ton of money. I care if I make a difference.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Square Peg in a Round Hole
The last few months were definitely a learning experience. Doing my infamous job hopping again, admittedly just trying to find the next best opportunity, I felt like maybe I was moving up just a smidgen. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I dunno, in retrospect but hey, live and learn right?
Without badmouthing or bemoaning anything, I had some time to think about things. As you're up and coming out of your early 20's, finishing college, and moving on in life, we're all told the next step is a full time 9-5 with benefits. Then you know you've made it. And you know, most of us, that's a very good next step. I was looking forward to it. I wanted some stability. I wanted insurance (without going into controversies about ACA and all that, hey, insurance is good). I wanted a 401(k) that actually matched. It all sounded like the good and right adult thing to want. It was the transition between a college kid at minimum wage, and adulthood.
I found out I kinda hated it. Not the job itself (ok the job itself, I was starting to get sick of but I'm not going there) necessarily, but the pattern. It wasn't working for me. I missed substitute teaching. I loved those kids, and I loved being able to use it as a chance to live and learn a bit more about where I want to go next in life (bit there in a sec). I also liked the flexibility of part time work. And now, with the ACA and all the resources out there in general, we're paying for benefits on our own. And I frankly prefer that, because now I won't feel like I'm tied to some job I dislike, because of the benefits. Even a 401(k) you can transfer or withdraw.
I feel a lot more free now, on the work front. We're taking care of ourselves, I start a new job Tuesday, I've already gotten back to teaching, and I have time and energy to volunteer. I get to do what I enjoy and frankly, between 2 jobs, I'm not worried about income. I still feel like I have more flexibility with 2 part time jobs than one full time. Time off? Sure! Set my own hours (more or less)? Sounds good! Work shorter shifts? Sounds good to me! And one of the jobs is commissioned base, like what I did at Sears. So, that said, even at part time, it pays better than most retail jobs. Oh and I'm part of management. That makes me happy.
I guess the whole lesson in this is, you have to find what works for YOU. Not do what everyone says you should do. You'd think I'd had that figured out already but, sometimes you gotta live and learn. Social standards, and making a pay check can be 2 very far removed things, and who doesn't want to live comfortably (not necessarily wealthy just comfortable). Living comfortably is more than just a paycheck, though it helps. It's about living life the way you want to. I was feeling like I could have no life outside of work, even if the money was (slightly) better. I want time to do the things I enjoy and live how I want to. I can plan summer trips to Kentucky and Tennessee, I can plan Ikasucon. I can fudge my teaching schedule to my work schedule so they don't conflict. And, I can even look at going back to school and not having to draw it out like I did before. THAT really makes me happy. For only needing a few classes, I didn't want to take forever to do it. Now, I may not have to.
So here's to the next step. May not be my beat all end all, but it's something. I really hope this works out.
Without badmouthing or bemoaning anything, I had some time to think about things. As you're up and coming out of your early 20's, finishing college, and moving on in life, we're all told the next step is a full time 9-5 with benefits. Then you know you've made it. And you know, most of us, that's a very good next step. I was looking forward to it. I wanted some stability. I wanted insurance (without going into controversies about ACA and all that, hey, insurance is good). I wanted a 401(k) that actually matched. It all sounded like the good and right adult thing to want. It was the transition between a college kid at minimum wage, and adulthood.
I found out I kinda hated it. Not the job itself (ok the job itself, I was starting to get sick of but I'm not going there) necessarily, but the pattern. It wasn't working for me. I missed substitute teaching. I loved those kids, and I loved being able to use it as a chance to live and learn a bit more about where I want to go next in life (bit there in a sec). I also liked the flexibility of part time work. And now, with the ACA and all the resources out there in general, we're paying for benefits on our own. And I frankly prefer that, because now I won't feel like I'm tied to some job I dislike, because of the benefits. Even a 401(k) you can transfer or withdraw.
I feel a lot more free now, on the work front. We're taking care of ourselves, I start a new job Tuesday, I've already gotten back to teaching, and I have time and energy to volunteer. I get to do what I enjoy and frankly, between 2 jobs, I'm not worried about income. I still feel like I have more flexibility with 2 part time jobs than one full time. Time off? Sure! Set my own hours (more or less)? Sounds good! Work shorter shifts? Sounds good to me! And one of the jobs is commissioned base, like what I did at Sears. So, that said, even at part time, it pays better than most retail jobs. Oh and I'm part of management. That makes me happy.
I guess the whole lesson in this is, you have to find what works for YOU. Not do what everyone says you should do. You'd think I'd had that figured out already but, sometimes you gotta live and learn. Social standards, and making a pay check can be 2 very far removed things, and who doesn't want to live comfortably (not necessarily wealthy just comfortable). Living comfortably is more than just a paycheck, though it helps. It's about living life the way you want to. I was feeling like I could have no life outside of work, even if the money was (slightly) better. I want time to do the things I enjoy and live how I want to. I can plan summer trips to Kentucky and Tennessee, I can plan Ikasucon. I can fudge my teaching schedule to my work schedule so they don't conflict. And, I can even look at going back to school and not having to draw it out like I did before. THAT really makes me happy. For only needing a few classes, I didn't want to take forever to do it. Now, I may not have to.
So here's to the next step. May not be my beat all end all, but it's something. I really hope this works out.
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